Skip to content

Top Navigation

Martha Stewart Martha Stewart
  • FOOD
  • HOLIDAYS
  • ENTERTAINING
  • HOME
  • GARDENING
  • CLEANING & ORGANIZING
  • WEDDINGS
  • SHOP
  • DIY
  • BEAUTY & WELLNESS
  • LIFE
  • NEWS
  • MARTHA'S BLOG
  • About Us

Profile Menu

Martha's Blog
Your Account

Account

  • Join Now
  • Email Preferences
  • Newsletter
  • Manage Your Subscription this link opens in a new tab
  • Manage Your Subscription this link opens in a new tab
  • Contact Us
  • Your Content
  • Logout

More

  • Enter to Win $10,000 to Makeover Your Home!
  • Martha's Blog
  • Weddings
Login
Pin FB

Explore Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart Martha Stewart
  • Explore

    Explore

    • 7 Things to Do in the Morning to Be Healthier and More Productive

      7 Things to Do in the Morning to Be Healthier and More Productive

      Kick-start your day by making habits out of these mood-boosting tips. Read More
    • Should You Refrigerate Bananas?

      Should You Refrigerate Bananas?

      It's one of your favorite fruits, but does it belong on the counter or in the refrigerator? Read More
    • This 3-Ingredient Homemade Weed Killer Uses Vinegar to Safely Remove Pesky Growths from Your Garden

      This 3-Ingredient Homemade Weed Killer Uses Vinegar to Safely Remove Pesky Growths from Your Garden

      A few easy-to-find ingredients are all you need to create a powerful formula that squashes weeds. Read More
  • FOOD

    FOOD

    See All FOOD
    Our 20 Most Popular Recipes for Summer

    Our 20 Most Popular Recipes for Summer

    • Breakfast & Brunch Recipes
    • Lunch Recipes
    • Dinner Recipes
    • Appetizers & Snacks
    • Dessert Recipes
    • Drink Recipes
    • Salad Recipes
    • Side Dishes
    • Soup Recipes
    • Healthy Recipes
    • Quick & Easy Recipes
    • Vegetarian Recipes
    • Cooking How-Tos
    • Baking
    • Menu Planning
    • Food News & Trends
    • Wine
    • Mastering the Holiday Meal
    • What's for Dinner
    • All Recipes
  • HOLIDAYS

    HOLIDAYS

    See All HOLIDAYS
    The Most Patriotic Flowers for the Fourth of July, According to Symbolism

    The Most Patriotic Flowers for the Fourth of July, According to Symbolism

    Show your love of country by displaying these varieties on America's birthday.
    • Father's Day
    • Fourth of July
    • Halloween
    • Thanksgiving
    • Hanukkah
    • Christmas
    • New Year's Eve
    • Valentine's Day
    • St. Patricks Day
    • Passover
    • Easter
    • Mother's Day
  • ENTERTAINING

    ENTERTAINING

    See All ENTERTAINING
    How to Start Entertaining Friends and Family More Regularly

    How to Start Entertaining Friends and Family More Regularly

    Make gathering with loved ones a priority.
    • Seasonal Entertaining & Decorating
    • Baby Shower Ideas
    • Dinner Party Ideas
    • You're Invited
  • HOME

    HOME

    See All HOME
    We're Putting Up Walls Again—Is the Open Floor Plan on Its Way Out?

    We're Putting Up Walls Again—Is the Open Floor Plan on Its Way Out?

    We asked the experts to weigh in on this popular home design concept.
    • Home Design & Decor
    • Paint Colors & Palettes
    • DIY Home Projects
    • The Well-Kept Home
  • GARDENING

    GARDENING

    See All GARDENING
    A Month-by-Month Hydrangea Care Guide

    A Month-by-Month Hydrangea Care Guide

    Confused about when to do what to your favorite flowering shrubs? We have you covered.
    • Container Gardening
    • Flower Gardens
    • Houseplants
    • Landscaping
    • Vegetable Gardens
  • CLEANING & ORGANIZING

    CLEANING & ORGANIZING

    How to Wash Pillows

    How to Wash Pillows

    They're an essential element of a comfortable bed, so keep yours fresh and in their best shape ever with these expert-approved tips.
    • Cleaning
    • Storage & Organization
    • Laundry & Linens
  • WEDDINGS

    WEDDINGS

    See All WEDDINGS
    Who Pays for What for the Wedding?

    Who Pays for What for the Wedding?

    Get the traditional rules for who pays for the wedding details.
    • Real Weddings
    • Wedding Party
    • Wedding Planning & Advice
    • Wedding Ceremony & Reception
    • Wedding Jewelry
    • Dresses & Style
    • Wedding Beauty & Wellness
    • Wedding Registry
    • Wedding Showers & Parties
    • Love & Marriage
    • Wedding Travel
  • SHOP
  • DIY

    DIY

    See All DIY
    How to Melt and Reuse the Leftover Wax from Candles

    How to Melt and Reuse the Leftover Wax from Candles

    Our easy melt-and-pour method saves the last bit of this home essential.
    • Dyeing
    • Holiday Crafts
    • Kids' Crafts
    • Knitting
    • Paper Crafts
    • Sewing
    • Rescue & Revamp
  • BEAUTY & WELLNESS

    BEAUTY & WELLNESS

    Can Rice Water Really Encourage Hair Growth?

    Can Rice Water Really Encourage Hair Growth?

    This buzzy ingredient is a star player in many new-age hair care products.
    • Beauty
    • Health & Wellness
    • Live Well
  • LIFE

    LIFE

    See All LIFE
    • Family
    • Pets
    • Travel
    • Net Worth
  • NEWS
  • MARTHA'S BLOG
  • About Us

Profile Menu

Martha's Blog
Your Account

Account

  • Join Now
  • Email Preferences
  • Newsletter
  • Manage Your Subscription this link opens in a new tab
  • Manage Your Subscription this link opens in a new tab
  • Contact Us
  • Your Content
  • Logout

More

  • Enter to Win $10,000 to Makeover Your Home!
  • Martha's Blog
  • Weddings
Login
Sweepstakes

Follow Us

  1. marthastewart.com
  2. Weddings
  3. Wedding Planning & Advice
  4. Wedding Etiquette & Advice
  5. Your Same-Sex Wedding Etiquette Questions—Answered
Martha Stewart Weddings

Your Same-Sex Wedding Etiquette Questions—Answered

Skip gallery slides
Pin
sky-nathan-rw1012-042-1.jpg
Credit: Scott Clark Photo

We offer expert advice for navigating modern nuptial rules.

Start Slideshow

1 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message
craig-andrew-wedding-gettingready-031-s111833-0215.jpg
Credit: Michèle M. Waite
See Memorable Moments From Same-Sex Weddings

With every union being unique, it's up to each couple to interpret the traditions of marriage to suit their celebration. But if you're running into conundrums as you plan your big day, these answers to common questions we've received regarding will be sure to help.

1 of 11

Advertisement
Advertisement

2 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

Since there aren't traditional bride-groom roles in a same-sex wedding, how do we decide whose parents pay for what?

sydney-christina-wedding-family-028-s111743-0115.jpg
Credit: Charlotte Jenks Lewis
Learn More About Who Traditionally Pays for What at a Wedding

This is a question all couples face, not just gay ones. That's because the age-old custom of divvying up the costs between the bride's family (who traditionally pay for everything reception-related) and the groom's (who historically cover the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon) is just that: ages old.

Today, many couples of all stripes are footing the bill themselves. In fact, a survey by the Gay Wedding Institute found that 84 percent of gay men finance the day and 73 percent of lesbians do. Still, bankrolling the wedding often comes down to who can afford it, and it's lovely when parents want to pitch in. As for who covers what, you can split the costs three ways (your parents, his or her folks, the two of you), or ask each side what they're most excited about, whether it's the food, the music, or the décor, and have them invest their money there.

2 of 11

3 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

We want to avoid working with people who will make us feel uncomfortable. What's a good way to make sure vendors are okay doing a gay wedding?

christopher-stephen-wedding-cake-0764-s112787-0416.jpg
Credit: Brian Hatton Photography
See More Wedding Vendor Etiquette Questions Answered

Start by browsing the vendor listings on dedicated same-sex wedding directories (engaygedweddings.com and gayweddings.com are two to try), which break down gay-friendly services by state. Not all of the vendors will use LGBTQ-inclusive language, but all have agreed to advertise on these same-sex wedding sites, so you can be sure they're on board.

If you're still having trouble finding a caterer, photographer, florist, or other vendor that reflects your vision, you can go the mainstream route. Once you see someone's work that speaks to your sensibilities, simply let them know yours is a gay wedding and ask them directly if they're cool with that. 

3 of 11

Advertisement

4 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

I have extended family who have made it clear they won't attend our wedding, but my mom insists all family must be invited regardless. Do I have to invite unsupportive family just because my parents say so?

sky-nathan-rw1012-042-1.jpg
Credit: Scott Clark Photo
Get Answers to More Guest List Etiquette Questions

As the saying goes, you can't please all of the people all of the time. If you yield to your mother's wishes, you're compromising your own; stay true to yourself, and Mom and Dad will be the miffed ones. Neither is an enviable situation, but to be the most diplomatic about it, follow the who's-paying-for-what rule. If your parents are footing the majority of the wedding bills, you can keep the peace and invite Uncle Mike, even if he's made his anti-gay-marriage views known in the past. (On the plus side, someone that unsupportive probably won't show up anyway!)

If you and your partner are paying for the day,  you can stick to your guns, explaining to your folks that, in your heart of hearts, you simply aren't comfortable asking unsupportive people to bear witness to your special day. As your parents, they ultimately just want you to be happy, but if they do still put up a fuss about it, you can always ask them to cover, at the very least, your stationery expenses so you're not shelling out for the extra invites. 

That being said, in the end, it comes down to you and what you stand for. Don't let anyone ruin your big day.

4 of 11

5 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

We're having a same-sex ceremony and are having trouble deciding on the processional order since there's no bride. Thoughts?

<p>Couples of every orientation are bending the rules to customize their ceremonies, so feel free to take a route less traveled to the altar. You can ask a person of mutual importance to escort the two of you on each arm. Or walk one behind the other with your respective parents, though you'll still have to figure out who goes first (rock-paper-scissors?). If neither one of you is being "given away," proceed hand-in-hand. Or consider an alternate floor plan&mdash;dual aisles. Dividing the seating into three sections, separated by two aisles, allows you each a path to the altar. Just keep in mind: Separate, simultaneous routes require a second photographer.</p>
Credit: Jenelle Kappe
Learn More About Wedding Ceremony Etiquette

Couples of every orientation are bending the rules to customize their ceremonies, so feel free to take a route less traveled to the altar. You can ask a person of mutual importance to escort the two of you on each arm. Or walk one behind the other with your respective parents, though you'll still have to figure out who goes first (rock-paper-scissors?). If neither one of you is being "given away," proceed hand-in-hand. Or consider an alternate floor plan—dual aisles. Dividing the seating into three sections, separated by two aisles, allows you each a path to the altar. Just keep in mind: Separate, simultaneous routes require a second photographer.

5 of 11

6 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

For a wedding with two brides, what do we call the men standing up for us?

anna-ania-wedding-group-0577-s112510-0216.jpg
Credit: 3 deseos y medio
Get More Bridesmaid and Groomsmen Etiquette Questions Answered

Give your wedding party any label you like; it's your day, after all, and you can be as traditional or nontraditional as you want. They could be your "bridesmen" or "men-of-honor." Likewise, grooms may appoint "groomswomen," "groomsmaids," or "best women." Or, choose a completely genderless term, such as "attendants" or "party people."

6 of 11

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

7 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

We're planning a small civil ceremony in another state. How can we make our wedding feel like the "real" thing for both us and our guests, even if we're already married?

michael-matt-couple-4183-wds110203.jpg
Credit: Allan Zepeda Photography
See More Wedding Reception Etiquette Q&amp;As

A ceremony and reception don't necessarily have to occur back-to-back in order for your day to feel like the "big" one. Plan your party as you would if it immediately followed the civil ceremony but with additional sentimental touches. 

For example, outfit the venue with images from your nuptials to let guests share in your first memories as a married pair. You can create a photo wall of framed shots, display pictures on your guest book station, or arrange a few images among the centerpieces at each table. You could even roll a brief slideshow during cocktail hour complete with pictures, video clips (filmed by a friend or professional), and audio from either the ceremony itself or you and your partner's reactions after exchanging "I do"s.

If that's too much technical trouble, ask select guests who attended your civil ceremony to stand during toasts and share a few words on what made the event special. Attendees who delivered readings could also stand to share them with your extended guest list during dinner. 

If your reception will take place months after you become official, consider printing an image from the civil ceremony on the save-the-date or enclosing one in the mailed envelope. You can also pen a few lines on what the day meant to the both of you to display in an additional enclosure or on your website. 

Most important, remember that loved ones are grateful for any amount of time they can spend with you to celebrate your happy occasion and are not keeping tabs on what events went missing. 

7 of 11

8 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

How do you decide who takes whose last name?

dennis-bryan-wedding-italy-vintage-fiat-getaway-car-just-married-002-0172-s112633.jpg
Credit: Corbin Gurkin
Get More Tips for Changing Your Name After Marriage

There's no right or wrong answer to this question; it's up to you and your partner to decide. You may want to go by two last names, two middle names, or a blend of surnames. However, keep in mind that each state has its own laws on what's legit when altering your name. And decide early; your marriage license may determine your future name choices in some states.

8 of 11

9 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

Is there a way to incorporate religion into the ceremony, even if some rituals (and faiths) require traditional gender roles?

real-weddings-kevin-jamie-05292012wd-jk1736.jpg
Credit: Jenelle Kappe

While same-sex religious ceremonies may be hard to secure in certain places of worship and in certain states, if religion is important to you, there are ways to incorporate it. First and foremost, do your research. While some religions are more LGBTQ-friendly than others, even the most traditional of faiths may have certain locations or officiants that have a more modern take on marriage.

And if you can't secure a religious venue, don't be afraid to put your own spin on religious gestures or texts. Words of faith can be modified and re-applied to suit situations that extend far beyond their original context, so consider writing your own vows and including whatever religious sentiments are important to you. Or seek out a non-denominational officiant (like an ordained minister), and ask if he or she can customize your ceremony to include faith-driven aspects without going full-out religious.

When it comes to rituals, dare to break the rules. Muslims having a same-sex wedding can choose to wear Mehndi henna (traditionally drawn on the bride) regardless of their sex, and two glasses can be broken at Jewish weddings with more than one groom or two brides.

9 of 11

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

10 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

Bride, groom, husband, wife—marriage terms are all pretty gendered. What can we do if we align somewhere off of the gender binary?

emma-michelle-wedding-dance-1524-s112079-0715.jpg
Credit: Weddings by Sasha

It's your wedding and your identity—so call yourselves whatever you want! Some couples opt to refer to each other as their "spouse" or "partners" instead of husband or wife, and gendered terms like "bride" and "groom" can be worked out of the ceremony (i.e. "You may now kiss your partner" or simply "You may now kiss"; "I now pronounce you equally wed"). You can also create your own combination of the terms, like "gride," and, on stationery like invitations and thank-you notes, use the gender-neutral Mx. instead of Mr. or Mrs. 

If you're wary of verbal slip-ups on your big day, give guests a heads-up in person or on your invites. You can ask attendees to refer to you and your S.O. by name rather than label ("Amy and Amanda" instead of "the bride and bride"), or make it clear who prefers to be called what, no matter how nontraditional (ask guests to join "brides Amy and Amanda," "partners Amy and Amanda," "bride and groom Amy and Amanda" or even "grooms Amy and Amanda"). 

10 of 11

11 of 11

Pin
Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message

What should my partner and I wear?

teresa-amanda-wedding-bridalparty-9276-s111694-1114.jpg

Fashion is all about personal style, so wear what you want and what you're each comfortable in, be it a classic suit-and-gown combo, double tuxes, or double gowns. And if none of those options fit your tastes, find what makes you happy and label the ceremony dress code accordingly.

If you both opt for the same look—be it menswear, womenswear, or something ungendered—you have two options. Either go with your individual guts and choose whatever gives each of you satisfaction, or factor in what matches (and clashes) and coordinate your looks with each other and/or your wedding theme.

11 of 11

Replay gallery

Share the Gallery

Pinterest Facebook

Up Next

    Share the Gallery

    Pinterest Facebook
    `
    Martha Stewart Weddings
    View All
    • Prince William Didn't Watch Kate Middleton Walk Down the Aisle at Their Wedding—Here's Why He Missed This Moment
    • These Brides Brought Their Romantic, Secret Garden-Themed Wedding to Life at an Art Museum
    • 5 Ways You're Jeopardizing Your Relationship With Your Daughter- or Son-In-Law—and Your Child
    • In Addition to Duke and Duchess, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Will Hold Other Royal Titles for Life
    Trending Videos
    Advertisement
    Skip slide summaries

    Everything in This Slideshow

    Advertisement

    View All

    1 of 11
    2 of 11 Since there aren't traditional bride-groom roles in a same-sex wedding, how do we decide whose parents pay for what?
    3 of 11 We want to avoid working with people who will make us feel uncomfortable. What's a good way to make sure vendors are okay doing a gay wedding?
    4 of 11 I have extended family who have made it clear they won't attend our wedding, but my mom insists all family must be invited regardless. Do I have to invite unsupportive family just because my parents say so?
    5 of 11 We're having a same-sex ceremony and are having trouble deciding on the processional order since there's no bride. Thoughts?
    6 of 11 For a wedding with two brides, what do we call the men standing up for us?
    7 of 11 We're planning a small civil ceremony in another state. How can we make our wedding feel like the "real" thing for both us and our guests, even if we're already married?
    8 of 11 How do you decide who takes whose last name?
    9 of 11 Is there a way to incorporate religion into the ceremony, even if some rituals (and faiths) require traditional gender roles?
    10 of 11 Bride, groom, husband, wife—marriage terms are all pretty gendered. What can we do if we align somewhere off of the gender binary?
    11 of 11 What should my partner and I wear?

    Share & More

    Facebook Tweet Email Send Text Message
    Martha Stewart

    Learn More

    • Contact Us
    • Customer Service
    • Media Kit
    • Martha's Blog
    • Advertise
    • Content Licensing
    • FAQ
    • Corporate
    • International
    • Accolades this link opens in a new tab

    Connect

    Subscribe to Our Newsletter
    Sign Up
    MeredithMartha Stewart is part of the Meredith Home Group. © Copyright 2022 Meredith Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policythis link opens in a new tab Terms of Servicethis link opens in a new tab Ad Choicesthis link opens in a new tab California Do Not Sellthis link opens a modal window Web Accessibilitythis link opens in a new tab
    © Copyright Martha Stewart. All rights reserved. Printed from https://www.marthastewart.com

    Sign in

    View image

    Your Same-Sex Wedding Etiquette Questions—Answered
    this link is to an external site that may or may not meet accessibility guidelines.